We have made at least 70 cupcakes for Gina’s shower. The favors are vanilla/vanilla, chocolate with cream cheese frosting, and lemon / raspberry buttercream.
I’m 26 today.
Last year, on my old blog, I wrote:
“Today I’ve been thinking back on the past five years of my life… at 23 ½, I met Matt. Matt changed everything. I settled down, mostly. I attached to him as if he was the last drop of water in Death Valley. So now things are getting back on track, which is, in a word, bliss. Life now is so much better than it ever has been.”
It wasn’t bliss.
I wasn’t okay.
I did a really great job pretending to be okay. I think I fooled almost everyone, except maybe the people who know me the very best…and then, I fooled them too, sometimes.
When I look back at 25, it wasn’t a very happy year. For most of the year, I was in a really dark place. I couldn’t admit to anyone that something bad had happened. That I wasn’t okay.
Then I told someone. I finally admitted that I was Not Okay.
Afterwards, it was easier to tell other people that things weren’t okay. And then, a week ago today, I told Matt things weren’t okay. I asked for a divorce.
So now I’m looking ahead at 26. I’m moving out in 8 days. I have no idea what the next year is going to look like. I have absolutely no doubts that it will have some dark, rough times. But I hope it will have some wonderful, happy times, too. I hope that, one year from today, I’ll look back and say, “Wow. 26 was actually a really good year.”
On a happier note, I made cupcakes… vanilla cake, with an orange buttercream filling, with vanilla buttercream on top. Yes. I filled the cupcakes.
I like to think of cupcakes as little tiny holders for frosting. After all, frosting is the best part.
So I think I’ve blogged pretty much all weekend!! This is the most blogging I’ve done in a long time!
Yesterday I visited four places. The one by the Grove that was technically out of my budget ended up being NOT okay. It was a luxury apartment, like, 20 years ago! The dishwasher was ancient! Another one was a VERY tiny bedroom… absolutely no room for my sewing stuff. The third was okay, but it was in a loft modified into a room, and since there were no windows, I felt a little claustrophobic.
The fourth one (which, actually was the second one I visited yesterday) was really awesome. It’s with a woman in her mid-30’s, and she has two cats. The apartment has hardwood floors throughout, and the complex has a laundry room and a pool. It’s about a 20 minute bus ride into downtown LA, and another 20 minute bus ride to the Grove. The commute to UCLA is actually really good – I’ll have to leave the apartment at 5:45 AM, which is how early i leave now if I’m driving. The only drawbacks are that I can’t have overnight guests (not BOYS! Gina! She can’t spend the night!), and the lady does have a 420 prescription (oh well!). It’s about $150 under my budget (yay!!), so I took it!
Last night I went to my parents house. They got Chinese, and I brought a banana cream pie from Whole Foods. We played UNO and watched Sense & Sensibility (one of my favorite movies – I love the when Marianne finally realized that Col. Brandon is like, an amazing guy, and I love the wedding scene when Willoughby gazes at the church with bitterness and regret, knowing exactly what he missed out on).
So Kim is 7, and she doesn’t know how to play UNO. Crazy! I think Beth and I knew that game SO WELL when we were 7! So Mom was walking her through the game, and we could tell Kim was getting frustrated with the game. So Mom decided that Kim needed to win…she was like, “We’re playing reds!”…because Kim had red cards. I got the hint – but Dad did not!!! He switched the colors all around, and even won one hand before he got the hint that we needed to let Kim win! Poor Dad. 🙂
Jocelyn and I are meeting for coffee tonight, so that should be fun. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I don’t really have anything special planned, although Gina is supposed to meet me at Loft.
I’ve completely ignored my diet this weekend!! I have eaten so much! Oh well – it was my birthday weekend, after all! I’m back on track starting today. I’ve lost 21 lbs since starting MyFitnessPal in March, and I’ve lost 29 lbs total since my last birthday. Yay!
EDIT: Here are pics of the room. I’ve pulled them from the Craigslist posting!
I visited six places today. Most of them were normal. Two were in bad areas. One lady had miniature couches EVERYWHERE (so weird!).
There were two “maybe’s”… One place off Fairfax/Santa Monica (so close to the Grove!!). It’s with a 19-20 year old guy, and only $550/month, plus utilities. It’s actually in a great location, and it has hardware floors. The bad side is that it is unfurnished.
The second “maybe” was off Crenshaw/Venice. The neighborhood is very residential, and it’s not very walkable. However, it is still a maybe.
I have four VERY promising places tomorrow… All of the ones I really wanted to see are tomorrow! I’ll keep my fingers crossed!!
Do I look serious?
The first place I went to on Friday night was actually really cool. It’s in a house in Koreatown, living with 6 other people. It is very much a family house. The room is furnished, and it’s not sterile or weird. I liked it a lot.
The Grove is a 15 minute bus ride away, which is awesome, because they have a movie theater, a World Market, tons of shopping, a Barnes & Noble, a Trader Joe’s and a Whole Foods. Can we say “great location?!?”
Matt and I are separating. Some things happened, some of them a long time ago, that I haven’t been able to forgive. I’m taking some time and space to clear my head, go to therapy by myself, and think about things.
I don’t know what’s going to happen afterwards. I have good grounds for divorce, but many people are telling me that I’m strong, that Matt and I can get through this, that we can get back together. I don’t know about that. Right now, I just want withdraw, take some time, and try to heal.
In the meantime, I’m looking for a room in the West LA area. I have 10 appointments lined up for this weekend, plus one more that I still need to confirm. My sister would be so proud of me. I have them all organized on a spreadsheet. Next to each place, I have listed the price per month (rent + utilities), the move-in cost, commute time, commute cost, laundry options, laundry cost, if it is furnished, and the bath situation (private, shared, or both).
I figured that, after the cost of my cell phone, student loans, discretionary spending, food spending, and savings, I can afford $880/month for rent, bus pass, laundry, and utilities. It doesn’t sound like terribly much, but most of my options are in that price range. OK – so there are two apartments $20 and $80 above that, but the $20 one is 17 minutes from work – total commute time!!! And the $80 is right by The Grove!!!! I mean, I’m not going to go to the cheapest place if it’s an hour commute and there’s no Trader Joe’s close by. I need Trader Joe’s! 🙂
Anyway, I’ll be visiting places and taking pictures, and updating this blog. I’m trying not to focus on the whole sadness part of this. Matt wants me to stay, and I’m so afraid that I will give in and do what he wants. It’s so ingrained in me to do what other people think I should do/want me to do, and I so desperately want to do what is best for me/what I need to do.
So tonight, I am looking at two different rooms. We’ll see what happens!