26

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I’m 26 today.

Last year, on my old blog, I wrote:

“Today I’ve been thinking back on the past five years of my life… at 23 ½, I met Matt. Matt changed everything. I settled down, mostly. I attached to him as if he was the last drop of water in Death Valley. So now things are getting back on track, which is, in a word, bliss. Life now is so much better than it ever has been.”

It wasn’t bliss.

I wasn’t okay.

I did a really great job pretending to be okay.  I think I fooled almost everyone, except maybe the people who know me the very best…and then, I fooled them too, sometimes.

When I look back at 25, it wasn’t a very happy year.  For most of the year, I was in a really dark place.  I couldn’t admit to anyone that something bad had happened.  That I wasn’t okay.

Then I told someone.  I finally admitted that I was Not Okay.

Afterwards, it was easier to tell other people that things weren’t okay.  And then, a week ago today, I told Matt things weren’t okay.  I asked for a divorce. 

So now I’m looking ahead at 26.  I’m moving out in 8 days.  I have no idea what the next year is going to look like.  I have absolutely no doubts that it will have some dark, rough times.  But I hope it will have some wonderful, happy times, too.  I hope that, one year from today, I’ll look back and say, “Wow. 26 was actually a really good year.”

On a happier note, I made cupcakes… vanilla cake, with an orange buttercream filling, with vanilla buttercream on top.  Yes.  I filled the cupcakes.

I like to think of cupcakes as little tiny holders for frosting.  After all, frosting is the best part.  

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