Failing and Flying

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Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.

It’s the same when love comes to an end,

or the marriage fails and people say

they knew it was a mistake, that everybody

said it would never work. That she was

old enough to know better. But anything

worth doing is worth doing badly.

Like being there by that summer ocean

on the other side of the island while

love was fading out of her, the stars

burning so extravagantly those nights that

anyone could tell you they would never last.

Every morning she was asleep in my bed

like a visitation, the gentleness in her

like antelope standing in the dawn mist.

Each afternoon I watched her coming back

through the hot stony field after swimming,

the sea light behind her and the huge sky

on the other side of that. Listened to her

while we ate lunch. How can they say

the marriage failed? Like the people who

came back from Provence (when it was Provence)

and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.

I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,

but just coming to the end of his triumph.

 

– Jack Gilbert, from poets.org

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Two Years Ago

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Two years ago I got married.

I didn’t know it wasn’t right. I thought it would be wonderful.  I thought we would be together forever. 

Sometimes bad things happen.  Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you wanted them to.  All you can do is push on and power through, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not so much. 

My friends and family that have supported me for the last six months – thank you. I love you all so very much. 

So now onto the new.  I think 2014 is going to be an amazing year. 

You know, no matter what, I am eternally optimistic.  Maybe it’s just part of my charm.

Optimism & Better Things

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I’ve had this quote pinned to my secret “Divorce” board on Pinterest for a while.  It was good inspiration, especially in May-June, when I was considering leaving Matt, and I was super conflicted and depressed about it. 

See, it was not all bad with Matt.  We definitely had our good times.  But there were also a lot of really scary bad times, too.  Things happened that are not okay in relationships.  Ultimately, it was the scary things that led to our break-up, as it should.  Some things you should not live with.

But I have never been the type of person to lick my wounds and retreat into a shell.  Too many bad things have happened in my life, and what I’ve learned over the past ten years or so is how to pick up the pieces and keep going.  I’ve never let getting fired, break ups, having a baby, getting kicked out of school, or even having my bank account closed on me* keep me down.  

I remember my mother once told me that she liked how I never gave up in life.  I think that’s one of the nicest things she ever said to me.

What it comes down to is that I cannot change the past.  I can learn from it, sure, and I learned a lot over the two-and-a-half years with Matt.  But what’s done is done, and there is a bright future to look forward to. 

I’m a hopeless optimist.  I never stop believing that better things are going to happen. 

Because better things will happen.  They always do.

 

*Shout-out to Gina for bailing me out when Chase decided to close my bank account on Tuesday, because they thought I might eventually defraud them.  Yeah, they suck, and I’ll be opening a new bank account next week.  But Chase is holding my $511 hostage for about a month, which really sucks.   Anyway, Gina is seriously the bestest friend in the whole wide world for helping me out.   

“Our Song”

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What happens to “our song” when you get divorced? There’s this song you absolutely love, and whenever it came on the radio, the two of you would dance to it for a few brief moments. But now he is gone, and there is still this song. You still love the song, but it’s full of memories about him.

And maybe someday that will be a bittersweet feeling, but right now it is just sad. The song is full of sad memories, broken promises, and poisoned love. So you won’t listen to the song for awhile, and maybe the next time you hear it – a few months, perhaps a year – maybe it won’t be such a sad song anymore.

Thoughts

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A couple days ago, Matt told me he doesn’t care about me anymore. So I printed out the paperwork to file for a summary dissolution of marriage. He is going to look it over and, within a month or so, I guess we will file for divorce.

To be honest, I was blindsided by this. I fought for our relationship for 22 months, against all better judgement and reasoning. I love Matt. I’ll always love him, I expect. So it is very difficult for me to understand how he can go from loving me to not caring about me in less than two weeks.

I’ve had about two days to process this, and I still don’t really get it.

But this weekend is Gina’s bachelorette in Vegas, so I will try to put this out of mind, and focus on this exciting time for her. On Saturday, it will be 6 weeks til the wedding. I’m so very happy that she found her person. Maybe someday, in a few years, I will find that too.

Honestly, the prospect of being single is scary, though. I don’t have any single friends, and if I want to do something fun, most likely, I will have to drag a friend or tag along as a 3rd wheel.

For example, I want to go to the OC Fair, but I don’t have anyone to go with. I know myself. I won’t be able to stand being single for long, so I’ll probably end up dating one or two guys casually, just so I have people to do things with.

Or, I could take this time to get to know Kimberlee better, and do fun things with her. That’s actually not a bad idea.

Feelings

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I moved into my new apartment today. Chris (cousin) helped me move.

I am so terrified right now. Did I make the right choice? Will I be okay on my own? I feel so alone right now.

But… Yes, I did make the right choice. My marriage and my heart were broken. Leaving is the only viable choice.

I remember when I broke up with Chris and Ryan. I was scared. I had no idea what was going to happen. But you know what?? I moved on, and everything was fine. And everything will be fine now, I hope. 🙂

Packing

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Undoing the worst mistake of your life is the best feeling ever.

I’m only about halfway packed. I’m almost done with the kitchen, and I got all my books. I want to do my sewing stuff tonight, and I’ll leave my clothes/makeup/etc for Monday / Tuesday night.

I’m not taking everything, by far. I told him what I wanted, and he can figure out what to do with the rest. My goal is to be out on Wednesday.