New Adventures

Sometimes I wonder if I am the evil one.  When he tells people the story of the divorce, I wonder if I am the evil one.

I wonder if he still reads this.

Things have been going okay.  I dated this one man in September.  It started out lovely and ended horribly.  In a way, that was good.  It wouldn’t have done me any favors to fall in love with someone who was completely and utterly wrong for me.

After that short affair, I was reminded of this quote, from “Sense & Sensibility.”

  

I am like Marianne.  I wish for things, which turns to hope, which turns to expectations.  I must remind myself to not let myself get carried away, because then I will be disappointed.  I am always disappointed.  I have high hopes, high expectations for situations, for relationships, and then I am disappointed when things go wrong.  Perhaps I should lower my expectations.

There is plenty to keep me occupied.  Halloween is quickly – oh GOSH so quickly approaching.  Sewing has consumed me.  Afterwards come the holidays.  This season – October through January 1 – is my favorite time of the year.  There are parties and gatherings to keep me busy.  I can shop my heart out.  I’m in charge of my family Christmas this year, so that will keep me busy during December.

My work shuts down over Christmas and New Year’s, although I’m in a department that technically still works over the holidays.  There are four holidays, four weekend days, and four “working” days over the shutdown.  Usually I continue to work through the holidays, but this year, I’m going to take a vacation.  I’m going back to Dallas to see my dearest friend.  I wonder if it snows in Dallas?

I’m flying out there the day after Christmas, returning New Year’s Eve.  I’ll spend that evening with my sister and brother-in-law, like I did last year.  We will watch the parade on New Year’s Day.

I’m not sure if it’s better to watch the parade on television or in person.  On the one hand, it’s so much fun to camp out overnight.  But there’s something to be said for celebrating New Year’s Eve in a pretty dress, with friends.  The best of both worlds would be to buy reserved seating, so that you could show up at 7 AM and definitely have a spot.  Maybe someday.

So those are the adventures waiting for me over the next few months.

This is a good end to a good year.

Lately

Beth’s birthday party was a few weeks ago. We all went bowling to celebrate. Originally, we were supposed to go after the family reunion for my birthday. But we were tired. Then we made plans for July, but the bowling alley had a tournament going. So finally we went in August. We had a super fun time together as a family.

Nine Days in Texas

I got back two days ago from visiting my old college roommate in Texas.  I had a super fun time.  

  

 

 

It was a very fun trip, and I’m excited to go there again in October.  

 

Things Lately, In Pictures

My birthday came and went.  Beth, Mike, and I went to Magnolia and gorged on delicious cocktails and food.  We saw The Piano Guys, which was fabulous.

The weekend after, I went to the Getty with Jocelyn.  They had a few exhibits on religious art, plus an exhibit on Yvonne Rainer (modern dancer/choreographer).  Then we feasted at Islands.  

Last week, before class, I went to the Santa Monica Pier.  It was cloudy and sultry – absolutely lovely.  

I spent a few days with my parents for the 4th.  We grilled hot dogs and pork chops, and roasted star shaped marshmallows.  

Five days until I go to Texas!  I’m super excited.  Amanda and I have the whole nine days all planned out with sewing, movies, karaoke, Hurricane Harbor… all sorts of fun.  Meanwhile, I need to purchase a luggage scale so my suitcase doesn’t go over 50 lbs!!     

27

Time for my annual birthday post.

Last year, I wrote:

So now I’m looking ahead at 26. I’m moving out in 8 days. I have no idea what the next year is going to look like. I have absolutely no doubts that it will have some dark, rough times. But I hope it will have some wonderful, happy times, too. I hope that, one year from today, I’ll look back and say, “Wow. 26 was actually a really good year.”

Oh boy, what a year it’s been. I had nightmares and panic attacks up until about two months ago. I spiraled into a dark place in November, when I filed for divorce. Around early May, things started getting brighter. I think it was a mixture of making new friends, enjoying my classes, and working towards a goal I’ve had for years – grad school. I’ve had a lot of happy times – Gina’s wedding, the holidays, the women’s retreat last month. I’ve spent a lot of time with my family, more than I have in ages, and I’ve really enjoyed that. Mom is, more and more, becoming my friend. Dad is always a treat, and it’s fantastic to see Kim growing up before my eyes.

26 was a pretty decent year.

But this year, I’m looking forward to more happiness. I want to prioritize traveling and preparing for the GRE this fall. I’m going to try avoiding spending time on boys, but focusing more on my passions and goals.

I’ve seen this floating around on Pinterest for awhile, and I really like it. I like how it encompasses this idea of choosing to be single, having a fantastic, incredibly fun life. I think, next year, when I write this post, I want to look back and say, “Wow, I had a lot of fun being 27.”

Father’s Day

Saturday night, I went down to Cerritos to spend the night at my parents.  

On Sunday, we all went to church together, then we got Arby’s.  We had planned on getting Chinese from our favorite place, but it was closed.  The owners went to a family reunion.  

For Dad’s gift, I got them a Yonanas machine.  It turns frozen fruit into a soft-serve type dessert.  It was very tasty!  

Things Lately

 

 

Things have been going well recently.  My divorce was final in May, and things have been calm.

Early in May, Mom, Kim, Beth, Aunt Debbie, Cousin Heidi, and I went on a women’s retreat.  It was really fun to be all together.

 

Later in May, Mom, Dad, Kim, and I went to the Getty.  I took a half day at work, and they picked me up on the way there.  We saw the Victoria & Albert exhibit, the gardens, plus a few others.  It was really nice!

For Memorial Day, we christened Mom’s new grill, and we had a feast of sausages, veggies, and a bastardization of the American Flag, made with chocolate and carrot cake.

So things are going great.  I’m about ready to kick off the summer with the family reunion and my birthday.  I’m super excited for all the fun!

 

 

 

Failing and Flying

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.

It’s the same when love comes to an end,

or the marriage fails and people say

they knew it was a mistake, that everybody

said it would never work. That she was

old enough to know better. But anything

worth doing is worth doing badly.

Like being there by that summer ocean

on the other side of the island while

love was fading out of her, the stars

burning so extravagantly those nights that

anyone could tell you they would never last.

Every morning she was asleep in my bed

like a visitation, the gentleness in her

like antelope standing in the dawn mist.

Each afternoon I watched her coming back

through the hot stony field after swimming,

the sea light behind her and the huge sky

on the other side of that. Listened to her

while we ate lunch. How can they say

the marriage failed? Like the people who

came back from Provence (when it was Provence)

and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.

I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,

but just coming to the end of his triumph.

 

– Jack Gilbert, from poets.org

Monthly Update

Boston Cream Pie

I haven’t been posting as much lately as I should.  Everything is quite ordinary, which is excellent.  I’ve been going on a few random dates, after taking November/December/January off from dating.  I don’t know if I should have dated so soon after Matt and I breaking up.  It distracted me from the massive emotional disturbance of the divorce, but I’m not sure if that was a good thing or not.

Nevertheless, things are going swimmingly around here.  I’ve had a couple interviews for different (better paying) jobs at work, and on Friday, I have a second interview for one of them.  Yay!

Last night I went on the worst.date.ever.  He was 30 (but looked 40, poor guy), lives with his parents, has a degree in Liberal Studies, and he’s worked at Whole Foods for the past 8 years.  He was so incredibly negative about everyone (customers at Whole Foods have the stupidest questions and treat the workers terribly *eye roll*); he wants a nice office job but no one will hire him, and it’s just not fair!!!!  *Sigh*

But I had two fantastic dates this weekend with a lovely, lovely gentleman.  He hasn’t pushed my boundaries even once.  Usually people insist on giving me a ride home, since I don’t drive.  He’s offered, but doesn’t insist when I say no.  He hasn’t even kissed me yet (but gives great hugs).  We haven’t talked about past relationships (which, honestly, I don’t want to know about them, and I don’t want to talk about mine), and we have a lot in common in regards to likes/dislikes/political views.  He seems interesting.  

I’m getting back into baking.  For the past few weeks, I’ve made a cake on Sunday night to take to work on Monday.  This week was a Boston Cream Pie – a request, because I would NOT have made that on my own.  The glaze didn’t turn out right.  It’s a bit too liquidy, and I should have used baking chocolate instead of cocoa powder, since the powder didn’t blend in quite right.  Maybe I’ll try again in a few weeks.

Remarks on my Three Day Weekend

Today, I’m back at work from a lovely three-day-weekend.   Yesterday, I had a truly enlightening experience.  I’ve forgotten what it’s like to work at a job I detest – a job I absolutely loathe.  Sometimes, I complain about my job, but I really have it easy.  I don’t wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead.  I don’t count the hours until I’m off work.  I like my coworkers, and my workload is varying and mostly interesting.  I have great benefits and so much paid time off, it’s ridiculous.  And maybe I don’t make as much money as I would like, but I don’t have to worry about getting raises, and I never worry about being laid off or fired.  I really am quite fortunate, and I need to stop griping about waking up early, or my stupid co-worker that plays pranks on me.  I’ve been a lot worse off.

This weekend was rather enjoyable.  Sunday night, I had a lovely date with a guy from eHarmony.  We saw American Hustle (which I liked, but I didn’t like), and then had dinner and coffee.  I really enjoyed meeting him, and I have a date with him for Saturday.  He reminds me about Matt in a lot of ways.  He’s 25, and he has a job, but he doesn’t have his career figured out.  Which is absolutely ok – lots of people my age definitely don’t have things figured out.  I certainly don’t!  He is rather geeky, but then, so am I.  He didn’t make a move on me, and I appreciated that a lot.  We both love liturgical churches, and we have a lot of hobbies in common.

I’m not in a rush to get married again.  I really need to figure out where my career is going to go, and I must do that before I commit to a serious, marriage-intended relationship.  I’m very much enjoying living by myself again (with a roommate), and I love having money to spend on nice things, like letterpress birthday cards that cost twice three times as much as a Hallmark card, or Clinique skincare products instead of Neutrogena (I ❤ Clinique!), or a ridiculous amount of fabric for Spring dresses just because I can and it’s pretty and I want it. 

I was thinking yesterday about something one of my friends mentioned on Friday.  He said that feminists, like me, tend to marry “milquetoast kinds of guys,” not “real men.”  He says we marry men we can boss around, men we can control.  My friend has it all wrong.  My friend automatically assumes that someone is going to get bossed around in the relationship, and if the man isn’t bossing the woman, then the woman must boss the man.  He doesn’t realize that there can be marriages where no one does any bossing whatsoever – where respect and consideration and love go both ways.  My friend wants a puppet wife to do what he wants her to do, not a wife that demands equal respect and equal say.  (He wants puppet children that he can control, too, but that’s a whole other story.)

So I was wondering all day yesterday if I’m setting myself up for failure again by dating guys that aren’t the take charge, alpha male types.  When I think about it, guys like this repulse me.  I don’t understand relationships where one person has more say than the other.  I don’t understand marriages where the wife has to be manipulative in order to get what she wants.  I’m reminded of that movie (My Big Fat Greek Wedding?) where the mother tells her daughter than the husband may be the head, but the wife is the neck, and so the wife gets to turn her husband’s head in whatever direction the wife wants.  A marriage like that would be a living hell for me… it was a living hell for me.  With Matt, often he would make me logically argue for what I wanted.  If we had different opinions, I had to logically argue for my perspective, but he certainly never had to do that.  I remember throwing temper tantrums because I was so frustrated that he didn’t listen to me.  If me simply telling him want I wanted didn’t work, then maybe breaking a few dishes would.  Yeah, that was so mature.

I don’t want to think about unpleasant memories, so I’m going to stop there.

In other news, I bought some Marvel superhero fabric to make a comic book dress.  It’s cut out and waiting to be sewn.  Super excited to wear it!

 

Was it really a year ago that Matt and I took that spontaneous trip to Solvang?  Time flies.